I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize