the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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