Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
