nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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