you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
