But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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