That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
