Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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