it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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