Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
