either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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