it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
