Duck Duck Cougar?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
