Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
