Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
