there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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