Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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