I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Your penis caused this!
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