if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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