Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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