She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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