Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Randomize
