How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
