And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
