there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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