My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
honey bunches of taint.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
