My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
It was confusing and full of hummus
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
do herpes really smell.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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