I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize