so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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