Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
