The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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