Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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