I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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