please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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