my mouth tastes like poor choices
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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