Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
