We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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