the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
