I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
