no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
