Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
