Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
