I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
