um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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