Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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