Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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