Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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