Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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