If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Shame is for Republicans.
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