She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
