fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
