3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
