I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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