now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
