You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
