There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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