Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
