I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
