Church boner. Awkwardddd
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
