Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
