You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
