I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
